everyone's white girl wasted

 

(the it girl, Tara Yummy)

Never in my life did I think I would be so upset to be 19, yet here I am complaining to my best friend over the phone about how much it sucks. Now don't get me wrong, I've done a lot of cool things, at least, I think they're cool, but right now I would give anything to be 21 and legal where I am. But please get it right from the start: no, I don't think that to be cool and to do fun things you need to be drunk off your ass or so high you can't think straight. I just enjoyed the fact that I had those things available to me back home, really whenever I wanted, and not have them now suck ass.

Ok, so maybe I don't want to get wasted and black out drunk to the point where I wake up at 6 am on the living room floor with no recollection of anything past 8 pm from the night before, yeah, let's not do that. Honestly, I think I've been and done with those days of over drinking. It was fun at 16, but after 2 years it got old, and it wasn’t the "new fun thing" to do anymore, plus, that much alcohol shits wayyyyy too expensive. I will admit even getting the cheapest, most disgusting premix drinks was at least $12, and back then when I was unemployed it was a lot to waste my Christmas money on. Actually, unemployed has serious loser energy to it, if yk yk, so let's say I was in my prime passion-searching era. Back to drinking, I don't regret going through an "I'm getting drunk again tonight" because it made me realise how that life isn't for me at all. Sure, I'll get wasted with you, but not every day after school in your bedroom stealing your dad's liquor. 

All this makes it sound like I've been put off drinking, and I promise that is very much not the case. Where all my pettiness and annoyance is from the fact that I love a good cocktail. If you handed me a date night where I can dress up all cute and go out to get a phat pornstar martini, I would make out with you right then and there. I just love drinks that are fun and interesting but also taste amazing, is that so bad? To me, nothing hits like reading a cocktail menu, finding something that sounds delicious, tasting it, and then the night is blessed because the cocktail be cocking. Some of you might frown on me since a pornstar martini is pretty basic, but screw you I think they taste like a good, long, hard orgasm because passion fruit and vanilla vodka is such a deadly duo. I could down maybe 5 and still want more. Is that concerning? I don't think so.

In all seriousness, I just feel so left out when I go out with my family over here, and they can order a tasty, fun drink, and I'm stuck embarrassing no one but myself when I ask for a ginger beer. I felt so grown back home since I have been doing adult things for over a year now, and now that I'm here it feels like I've been put back on the training wheels again. Having a fun drink felt like a celebration even if the day was mundane, it was a little treat to end the night.

Here are a few cocktails I would lap up right now:

• a long island with a lime, not a lemon

• a mango chilli margarita

• a pornstar martini (of course)

• a aperol spritz

• an apple pie daiquiri

• a crisp tequila shot (I know, not a cocktail, but come on)

• an espresso martini

God, I need a break to be honest, even if I'm not doing anything other than working and sleeping. For some reason, life is getting really tiring, and seeing everyone from high school traveling, going out, and living their life is honestly annoying the fuck outta me. I think a cold drink and a cig would help.

Anyone?

bee keeping age

 

(my love, Gabriel Macht)

Daddy issues? No, just an unhealthy relationship with someone older than me who can treat me like I'm their world and swallow me up. Anyone who tries to argue me out of my love for older partners can suck my non-existent, but still very hard, dick because there is just something about the age gap that I love. 

Maybe it's the emotional maturity that most off them have that I just can't seem to find in anyone my age right now. They are just generally more grounded and secure and that to me is sexy as fuck. Who doesn't want to be taken care of by a partner who actually communicates and can handle themselves along with yourself. Or that could just be me and I have some sort of weird care kink but who knows. I swear I can't be the only one who thinks this way. It's just, being with someone who is competent enough to take care of themselves, and I mean grooming plus their life in general, while being able to give some (70%) of their focus to you, I would fold right then and there. 

It's also very possible that I'm just attracted to someone experienced. In life of course you dirty minded freak... but also sex. I mean, come on. Unfortunate is a girl that was never someones second but always their first. Inexperienced, messy, and definitely not what I want in the future. Is it so wrong for me to want someone who can throw me down and know exactly what to do to make me forget all about how hard work was that day. Is it? If it is then I guess I might as well ask for a star to be plucked out of the sky for me because that is the fantasy that I create in my head to fall asleep most nights. I really couldn't care less about the fact that you have been with other people and that I'm not your first, as long as you ain't carrying something, if you can make me happy I'm good. However the only people that fit this want, which is becoming more now a need of mine, are people older than me. You know, honestly, that's fine with me.
Sue me for being a freak. 

Or maybe it's the fact that older usually mean they have their expectations laid out on the table, unfortunately not me, yet, but what I'm getting at is the dating experience. They know how to love and how they want to be loved, no questions asked. I understand that many people my age are still figuring out what it is that they want from a significant other but what if I already know what I want. I don't particularly feel like being a guinea pig for someone to figure out what works and what doesn't, at least not anymore. You gotta know what you want from me and what you can give to me. People who are older tend to be more experienced and know what they want, therefore it gives them this draw that hooked me by my ass and yanked me in. 

Maybe I'm just fucked and I have something wrong in my brain but the older I get the more attractive people 3+ years older than me get. It's starting to become a small problem and it's not just the folder of 300+ edits I have saved on Tiktok, it's the fact that I have this annoying ass yearning for something I'm too much of a pussy to go for. 

God, seeing what you can't have is the worst. 

For now I'm just going to re-watch every single edit I have of Gabriel Macht as Harvey Specter in Suits to tide me over. Maybe one day I'll be able to wrench my words from my brain and actually talk to someone I find attractive but until then it's Netflix with Suits and Tiktok edits till 2am in the morning before work. 

Someone sedate me please. 

(He's so fine it hurts)